As Seen on Pinterest: Mrs. Figby takes a stab at Fauxtisserie chicken

Does this rosemary make my butt look big?

When my friend, professional writer and blogger extraordinaire Mrs. Figby emailed me to ask if she could submit a post for As Seen on Pinterest, of course, I said yes. When she told me she was going to COOK something, I was both laughing and terrified at the same time. I love her. I adore her. She is the only person I have ever said ‘Wanna meet me in Paris?’ to and met her in Paris a month later. Buuuuuut – a cook she is not. Furthermore, most of her activities in the kitchen usually result in injury to herself. Even washing dishes. I’m not exaggerating, the woman slices of fingers open on a monthly basis. I am happy to report that her Fauxtisserie experience resulted in no injuries and – I’ll be darned! – turned out great!

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To say that I’m not a cook is to understate the matter by a large margin. I am so not a cook that once, when I tried to make what seemed like a very simple fish recipe, my then-15-year-old son had to step in and rescue the whole thing. (How was I supposed to know you have to make sure fish is dried off and also fully thawed before you try to fry it?) I am so not a cook that I find microwave burritos intimidatingly challenging. I mean…cover with a paper towel? What does that even mean? Should it be damp to keep in moisture? Do I wrap it around the burrito, or just put it loosely on top?

You see my point.

I also dislike cooking, in general. Even throwing some baby carrots in a ziplock for my daughter’s lunch feels like too much effort for food sometimes. Despite this dislike, I have a “creative” streak, which I put in quotation marks because, although I am driven by the desire to be creative, it does not often pan out. I spent years not having to be creative because I cancelled my Martha Stewart Living subscription in 1995, and Pinterest didn’t exist, so I didn’t know what I was missing. Now Pinterest has awakened the kraken of creativity inside me. My “creaken” if you will. I mean…all the adorable projects! Felt! Crochet! T shirt scarves! And the delicious food! With Nutella! Apparently I’m very susceptible to visual stimuli, because Pinterest is straight up porn to me. (And to my creaken, obviously.)

So the other day I was surfing Pinterest instead of doing my work (like I do, often) and I saw this “fauxtisserie slow-cooker chicken” (see what she did there? Fauxtisserie? Har!), which promises to be every bit as delicious as the rotisserie chicken you buy from Costco or your grocery store or wherever, except you make it in your crock pot and it’s super easy. (Not as easy as just buying a rotisserie chicken at the store, but let’s not quibble.)

It looked so easy even I could do it. PLUS, my husband, D, (who works long days in the city and then commutes home on New Jersey transit and THEN cooks dinner for our family of 5 every night because we have to eat and that’s the only way it’s going to happen) is away on a week-long business trip and having at least one home-cooked meal in a 6-day span seemed like a good idea. If I (or my creaken) could pull it off, that is.

Thus, I give you the “Mrs. Figby Ill-Conceived Attempt at Cooking The First Whole Chicken of Her Entire Life Via Directions Found on Pinterest”:

The ingredients list is so short, I didn’t even have to write it down: 1 chicken, fresh rosemary, fresh garlic, and some kind of salt-based seasoning. I’m using Dizzy Pig rub because it is freaking DELICIOUS and comes in numerous flavors.

This one says 'poulrty' on the label, which even *I* know means chicken

 

I have a giant pimpin watch because I live in Jersey.

 

Here I am getting ready to rinse the chicken (which peed raw chicken juice all over the floor just before this photo was taken.) Did you know you’re supposed to rinse chickens? I didn’t. Thank God the instructions mentioned it—and also drying, because I never would have dried it, either. My 16-year-old son, who is home from school with a sinus infection, took this picture, then lectured me about always rinsing whole meats. How does he know these things?

Does this rosemary make my butt look big?

 

Next, you’re supposed to stuff rosemary and garlic under the skin. I clearly don’t understand how, exactly to do this, because this chicken looks like a murder victim found in an abandoned factory in Newark. Also, that little knife I was using is about as sharp as the pointy file thingie on nail clippers that you use to get the dirt out from under your fingernails.

After shoving rosemary and garlic every which way but loose, I sprinkled copious amounts of Dizzy Pig rub on it and…rubbed it.

Here it is, in the pot, with the rub on, tits up. The recipe is VERY ADAMANT that it goes in tits up. Also, it’s sitting on three balled up…uh…balls (hehe) of tinfoil. Which, if my eldest son were reading this, would pedantically say is actually made from aluminum, not tin. Apparently the balls of tinfoil are to keep the chicken off the bottom of the crockpot.

Is it cooking? It doesn’t look like anything is happening. Mmmm, wine!

Then you put it on low for 7 or 8 hours.

I wasn’t completely sure it would actually cook. I mean, I didn’t add any water or stock or butter or oil or anything. And it seemed like it took hours for the crockpot to feel hot on the outside. But when the kids all got home (and the sick one got out of bed) they kept gushing about how good it smelled in the kitchen and when is dinner already!? God! We’re starving to death! A good sign, no?

At just over 7 hours in the crockpot, I stuck in a thermometer, and it was right at 165 degrees, which is the temperature of Chicken That Won’t Kill You. I had a big knife with which to carve it, but the poor creature (the chicken, not the knife) totally fell apart on its own…and off the bone. Holy juicy deliciousness…

The breasts were a tiny bit dry, but the dark meat was to DIE for. My three kids and I demolished all but one wing and one breast. It took about 10 minutes
because we’re animals like that.

Yay, creaken!

As Seen on Pinterest: the good and the not so good

suziefruit

Today I bring you a double post: 2 guest bloggers, Susan and Amy, who had very different results with their attempts to try something on Pinterest. Let’s start with the good, shall we?

Susan is my most precise and detail-oriented friend. She is famous for her amazing parties that inevitably involve a chart and post-its to indicate the location of dishes on the table. One time, just for kicks, her friend Laure and  I mixed up all the post it’s and hid the master chart. She was not pleased! So it’s not surprise that she picked a stunningly pretty project. Here is it, in her own words:

Actual picture of Suzie's rainbow fruit platter

Source: http://sistersstuff.blogspot.com/2011/03/healthy-not-so-healthy-st-pattys-day.html

Browsing through Pinterest a couple of weeks ago, I found this cute way of serving fruit for a chocolate fondue, in a rainbow shape.  I deviated a little from the original post as I had a child over that has a lot of food allergies and therefore many fruits had to be avoided.  Thus, my rainbow colours are not in the correct order  :)     The look of the kids’ faces when I brought out the fruit platter and the chocolate fountain was priceless!  To be repeated.

 

On the other hand, my friend Amy is the complete opposite. She is very much like me: a do-er. But pos-it notes, not so much! So when she told me she had attempted the now infamous grilled-chees in the side-ways toaster pin, I knew we were in for a treat! Let me remind you of what we are talking about, then I’ll let Amy tell you how it all went:


the infamous Side-ways toaster Pinterest grilled-cheese


Source: http://www.grilledcheesesocial.com/

6:47am.
Three kids downstairs, dressed.
Husband ran to corner to buy milk for coffee.
English muffins in toaster.
“I hate English muffins”.
(here we go)
Microwave beeps.  Egg ready for egg sandwich.
“I hate egg sandwiches.  Especially on English muffins.”
“Can I make my own breakfast?”
It’s now 6:52am.  You have to be in the car by 7am to make it to the bus on time.  If you can make your own breakfast in the next twelve seconds, we have a deal.
Endless shuffling with slices of swiss and whole wheat.  Walks over to George Foreman, still encrusted with last nights morrocan marvel chicken.
“How in the world (yes, I cleaned it up for you) am I supposed to make grilled cheese now?”
I heroically turn the toaster on its side.  Put the grilled cheese in the toaster.  I saw it on Pinterest.
“Mum, are you SURE this is a good idea?”
Yes, I promise you it’ll work, I saw it on Pinterest.
Husband: Do you want your latte in a to-go cup?
Me (in my head): No. I want to leisurely sit on the promenade deck and sip it while leafing through Italian Vogue.  That’s why I am breaking lasagna noodles into a crockpot before 7am.
Me (in real life): Thanks, Sweetie, that’d be great.
Kitchen fills with smoke.
They didn’t mention this on Pinterest.
Somehow, grilled cheese managed to not cook and to smoke up kitchen.
Take raw grilled cheese and toss in microwave hoping no one would notice.
“This grilled cheese is soggy.”
“How come you never make English muffins?”
Morals of the Story:  Don’t believe everything you see on Pinterest, If you don’t clean the George Foreman as soon as you’re finished using it you have only yourself to thank, Husbands that make coffee in the morning are the best, Twelve year old boys should not be allowed to watch the Food Network.
Come back tomorrow for Mrs. Figby’s EPIC Fauxtisserie chicken. I have to post it right before the weekend because it will allow you to enjoy it for several days!

As Seen on Pinterest: Guest Post #1 Melissa’s Pepperoni Cheese Stick Rolls

melissa1

I’m Pinterest obsessed. And I’m dealing invites left and right like the best crack-dealer on the corner. In fact, I have hooked so many of my friends, they are chomping at the bit the submit guest posts for the As Seen on Pinterest series. The only reason Melissa got first dibs is that she wrote it AND submitted a picture first.

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Because of my new addiction to Pinterest, I find myself browsing through tons of recipes that look good to me but am not sure I will ever have the time to make. I actually have a huge archive box of recipes from magazines, newspapers, online recipes and scribbles on paper of recipes that sound amazing but Ithink i have only made about 10% of them. But it’s my hobby and I do love reading cookbooks and thinking of extravagant menus to make based on my collection.

Last week, I was browsing through pintrest when I came across this recipe for Pepperonni Cheese Stick Roll Up and they looked delish. I pinned it and made a mental note to make them. While I was at the grocery store yesterday, I found the dough on sale (you are supposed to use croissant dough) and it reminded me of the recipe. I promptly bought the dough and the other two ingredients i needed: cheese sticks and pepperonni (Yves Veggie). I was also toying with the idea of adding tomato sauce…….

I made them as an addition to supper in case they weren’t good. I added a small amount of tomato sauce to give it some added flavor. I made 8 of them, four with pepperoni and four without. This is the picture of what was left by the time I went to take a picture. they were really yummy! The only thing is that if you put too much cheese, it oozes put when cooking. But i tucked the cheese back in and they were yummy!!!

Definatly something I would make again!